1. Be willing to market your spouse, if necessary.
How
would you advertise your husband or wife on a dating app? Sounds like a
raunchy parlor game with friends, but this question became all too real
for Amy Krouse Rosenthal, who, at 51, was dying of cancer and worried
about her husband finding love again after she was gone. In writing
about him, she both captured his appeal and showed her love. You don’t
have to be in Amy’s position to write one for your spouse and do the
same.
2. Realize your charming quirks get less so over time.
In
Helen Ellis’s marriage, she was the lovable slob, but after a while her
husband just wanted to be able to glimpse the surface of the kitchen
table when he got home. So with the help of Marie Kondo’s “The
Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up,” Ms. Ellis transformed herself and
her marriage. As she wrote: “And now the first thing he sees when he
comes home is me.”
3. Don’t be too reliable.
We
think of constancy as a plus in marriage, but it can also spell doom.
Ada Calhoun fantasized about ditching her husband every time he was
unreliable, which was too often, she felt. But then he surprised her
with a moment of creative genius, and made her realize she didn’t have
him figured out after all. “To feel awed by a man I thought I knew
completely,” she said. “It’s a shock when that happens after so many
years. And a boon.”
4. If tragedy strikes during a hookup, get dressed immediately.
It’s
hard to know how to behave during those awkward morning hours after
you’ve had sex with a stranger. For the random guy Andrew Rannells had
spent the night with, this confusion was compounded when Andrew learned
that his father had suffered a heart attack. Meanwhile, the hookup dude
kept strutting around naked, asking what had happened. “Clearly nothing
good!” Andrew wanted to shout. “Put on some pants!”
5. Come out, come out, wherever you are (and at any age).
Few
stories are more fueled by regret than those by people who have tried
to deny their sexuality through years and decades, marriages and
children. In William Dameron’s case, it was his wife of 22 years who
saved him when she finally asked, in a Walmart parking lot, “Are you
gay?” To which he replied, “I don’t want to be.” But he was, and now
could be, leading him to his new, open and fulfilling life.
6. Don’t treat your love search like a job search.
We
may have similar online tools for finding jobs and finding love, but
since the two pursuits are so different in the end, don’t be fooled into
approaching them the same way. As Marisa Lascher, 37, discovered (in
the bed of a 23-year-old guy): To win a job you need to present a
perfect version of yourself. To win love you need to be able to reveal
your imperfections.
7. Allow your partner to keep some secrets.
We
tend to think keeping secrets is the opposite of intimacy. It’s not. As
a hospice chaplain, Kerry Egan has heard many surprising deathbed
confessions, enough to know that her own husband is surely a mystery,
too. “Why, then,” she asks, “would any of us leap into marriage, knowing
that the future is unknowable, knowing our spouse is a mystery we can
never fully understand?” Her answer: faith.
8. Define romance broadly.
Preconceived
notions about romantic compatibility can box you in. When Victor Lodato
moved to a small town to focus on his work, he instinctively turned
down an invitation for a drink from an elderly female neighbor. Then,
only to avoid being rude, he ran after her and accepted. Had he stuck
with his no, he would have missed out on the greatest platonic romance
of his life.
9. Be grateful for breakups.
Try not to dismiss failed relationships as mistakes, but
instead appreciate them for the essential lessons they provide. Unable
to move on from a stinging rejection, Miriam Johnson asked her
therapist, “What more can I do to let go?” The therapist replied:
“You’re asking the wrong question. It’s not about letting go. The work
is to be grateful. Grateful every day that someone crossed your path and
left a mark on you.”
10. If you only want one lover, don’t match with 1,946.
If
dating apps are swamping you with too much temptation, maybe delete a
few? Lauren Petersen was enjoying monogamy until her relationship flamed
out. That’s when she logged back in to Bumble and discovered that
nearly 2,000 men were awaiting her swipe. “And yet,” she wrote, “almost
comically, I wanted to date only one particular person.” The one who
wasn’t awaiting her swipe.
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